


Thoughts in the Night [13.12 coda]

by unforgvnsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s13e12 Various and Sundry Villains, Gen, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Winchester Coping Mechanisms, i suck at tagging and it's late goodnight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 16:02:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unforgvnsam/pseuds/unforgvnsam
Summary: Sam hasn't been sleeping and he's starting to second guess letting Rowena have the page from the Black Grimoire.





	Thoughts in the Night [13.12 coda]

Sam repositions himself on one of the the uncomfortable library chairs. He doesn’t know what time it is but it’s probably somewhere between two and five and maybe he’ll be able to focus more successfully in the morning if he’s better rested, but the concept of sleep seems oddly pointless to him in the moment. The research is starting to feel more and more pointless too though. At the same time it’s like it’s the only thing with a point anymore.

Maybe nothing has a point anymore. No plan and no point. Or something like that. He’s tired. Maybe it should be no plan, no point, and no sense. He really doesn’t know. Maybe he  _should_  sleep.

Dean crashed a few hours ago and had tried to make Sam go to sleep too but Sam had just shaken his head and Dean sighed and left Sam alone in the library.

Sam’s tired eyes trail to the cabinet holding the Black Grimoire and he thinks about how confused Dean was when they discussed it and Rowena and… Lucifer. Sam feels a little colder just thinking about him, and he gets to his feet, groaning when he finally stretches his legs for the first time in a few hours. He walks around the table and grabs a blanket from where it’s folded on one of the chairs.

The library has almost become some strange version of a bedroom because he doesn’t sleep much in his own bed anyway. Usually, he just covers himself with a blanket so that he’s a little warmer while he sits alone in the drafty bunker, especially if thoughts of Lucifer come up, which almost always makes the temperature feel colder, no matter where he is. Sometimes it’s three blankets. He researches until he drifts into restless dozes between books or between chapters or even sentences. He tries to go to his room at least an hour before Dean usually gets up so that he can attempt to catch a nap and so that Dean doesn’t know how long he stays in the library.

Sam sits back down, tugging the blanket tight around his shoulders. His mind goes back to the Grimoire and Dean’s disappointment and Rowena. He wonders if maybe he shouldn’t have trusted Rowena. What if she does do something terrible and Sam can’t get to her before she causes destruction that can’t be reversed? What if something goes terribly wrong and Sam has yet another thing to blame himself for?

He sighs and shakes his head hard, partially to wake himself up a little more and partially to knock some sense into his tired brain. He can’t let Dean into his head. Dean doesn’t understand. Doesn’t understand what Sam goes through because of his memories. Doesn’t understand the helplessness and fear.

Rowena does. At least more than most people. She knows what it’s like to really see Lucifer and what it’s like to fear him to such an extent. Maybe she’s done some things, but she still doesn’t deserve that. She should be allowed to have something that lets her feel a little better, right? And if she can hurt Lucifer, Sam will appreciate it more than anything.

He hopes his thoughts are on the right track. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

He pulls  _Jour et Nuit_  a little closer and  _almost_  smiles when he thinks of Dean’s complete mispronunciation of it earlier. He’s a few chapters in and he can’t concentrate very well anymore, but what if reading just a little further provides good information? It’s an off chance but it’s also one of his only options. He almost but not quite manages to finish the current chapter before he give into the need to just close his eyes for a few minutes. He pushes some of the books to the side and leans forward against the top of the table with his head on his arms like a pillow. His thoughts feel a little less intrusive because his exhaustion seemed to be making them quieter and less noticeable and he let out a tired sigh and shut his eyes.

Sam blinks sleepily before the reality of his discomfort hits him. His back is aching and his legs feel slightly numb. He groans softly, stretching his arms before running his hand over his face and through his hair. It feel a little greasy and he vaguely wonders if maybe he should take a shower today.

He carefully stands, his legs feeling even more cramped than last time. The blanket falls off his shoulders, landing partially on the chair and trailing on the floor. He picks it up, folding it, albeit messily, and walks around to put it back on the previous chair. He looks around for his phone, trying to remember where he left it, patting his pockets and realizes it’s probably in his room.

He’s not sure what time it is now, but it’s better to be safe than sorry so he walks to his bedroom. His phone is on the nightstand and he picks it up as he lies down on the bed without bothering with changing off. Sam raises his eyebrows when he realizes that it’s almost seven, which means he slept longer than usual… If his earlier time estimation had been relatively correct anyway.

He stares at a voicemail from an unknown number for a few seconds, wondering if he should listen to it now or later. But he knows that he’ll feel terrible if it’s something important and he’d ignored it. He unlocks his phone and presses play.

“Hello, Sam. I do appreciate you not picking up your phone because I would have hung up on you anyway.” Sam wrinkles his nose in confusion. Rowena? What the hell? “If you ever bring this up, I will thoroughly deny it, but I would just like to say that I actually do appreciate what you did for me, Sam, in giving me that page. I have felt a little safer than I have since I’ve come back… You’re probably wondering why I’m even doing this, but it was good for me to be able to talk about Lucifer with someone who understood, and perhaps it was good for you or it wasn’t. It doesn’t really matter to me, but you should know something… You’re… a good man, Sam Winchester. That may not mean much coming from me, but either way. I will destroy Lucifer if I get the chance, and that’s thanks to you.”

Sam frowns, not any less confused. He puts the phone down and rolls over with a sigh. It’s oddly nice. Or maybe he’s just dreaming.

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4am, this is unedited, I'm not even completely sure what it is or if it makes any sense, I'm going to sleep, and feedback would be great. xxx


End file.
